So today is just tough. There's no particular reason for it, but I often suffer from mild to moderate depression, and today feels like a moderate to severe day. One of those days where I want everyone and everything to just go away and leave me the fuck alone. It just feels like the simplest little daily tasks require herculean effort on my part.

Again, nothing in particular triggered it. I just woke up wondering how the hell anyone could expect me to let out the dogs and get the kids cereal, never mind piece them together and get them to school. I managed, somehow. I should add that with one in 2nd grade and one in K, and no bus service for our 1/2 day K program, I make 4 trips a day back and forth to deliver and pick up my younger ones every day. I have to be somewhere with someone at 8:45, 11:50, 2:30 and 3:35. It's a royal pain in the ass that makes my day bleed away, but it gets done. But it's tiresome.

I went grocery shopping this morning, as I always do on Thursday mornings, and I knew, as I stood at checkout, that I look like shit today. Not the 'under the weather' or 'not quite put together' looks like shit, that very lovely, special, dead behind the eyes looks like shit. The kind where I don't have the strength to muster chitchat with the cashier or do tough stuff like, you know, make eye contact with people around me because it's just too damn draining. The looks like shit where I'm sure that people can tell something is really wrong with me by just looking at me. I look 'flat', dead behind the eyes, because I feel hollow inside today. I've seen folks like that, and I know that today is just my turn, apparently.

So I get my groceries and head home with my 5 yo daughter in the back seat, happily chatting away. Naturally it's not even the kind of chatter you can phone in your response to with some 'Oh?' or "Uh-huh's, it's the kind that requires concentration and responses. I silently cried for half the ride home because I had no idea how I was going to force myself to get all of the groceries inside and put away. I just wanted to crawl into bed, throw the covers over my head, and sleep for 6 hours, and leave everyone else to sort their own shit out without me.

But I don't have that luxury (who does, really?). I have children and pets and a husband depending on me. I somehow got the food in and put away, and even got my daughter to K on time. Now I've got a blessed 2 hours to myself. I'm an indie author, and I should be pecking away at my newest work, but I just can't. I want to, I really do, and I know that I should as I've barely done anything in the last week, but I just plain can't. It's like the part of me that's motivated has been held down by the part of me that just wants to sink into nothingness, and while Motivated Me's kicking and screaming, Nothingness Me is still winning. At least for now.

I used to 'juice' frequently. Hell, I've even done 10 day fasts of nothing by homemade juice. It's been a while since I juiced at all, and my weight has been creeping up a bit (up 8 lbs in a year). So I need to get that shit straight. Weight aside, I feel like Superwoman on the juice, with tons of energy, and happy, too. I'm sure it's my body rejoicing that it's getting the stuff it needs since my regular diet isn't exactly balanced. It could be better, it could be worse. But I definitely feel better when I'm juicing.

So I got tons of stuff for juicing today. I'll take off some pounds and hopefully get my energy and ability to do more than just exist back. Because today, that's how I'm feeling. Like it's a monumental task to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But I'm managing, and I'll manage tomorrow too.

But I don't want to just 'manage'. I want to feel, to be happy, to look forward to things, to not be daunted by usually insignificant tasks. Tomorrow is another day. Until then, I'm gonna watch some crappy daytime TV and play some Candy Crush Saga. I'll be okay, just not today.